Saturday, December 30, 2006

Fitting End

He made the leap and danced on air
With all the grace of Robespierre.
He crossed the Styx; the farm is bought;
And all his railing's come to naught.
Yes, as a pendulum he swings,
While all the happy birdies sing.
The poor ol' Butcher of Baghdad
Has quite become a hanging chad.
His rule is but a sad footnote,
A terrifying anecdote.
And all the justice he denied
Was given him, for homicide.
Remember all the graves he filled,
And all the innocents he killed;
The smiles he stopped; the dreams he crushed;
The hearts he broke; the laughs he hushed.
If gallows humor's not your style,
Just tell the Kurds, and watch them smile.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Gerald R. Ford, R.I.P.

The 38th president died tuesday at age 93, I assume from natural causes. Either that or the sweltering evil of global warming. I must admit to little knowledge of the man or the intricacies of his presidency; but from what I do know, he seemed a decent, respectable fellow. Certainly he comported himself with class and vigor, keeping active while refraining from mugging for the cameras at every conceivable opportunity. Compare his out-of-office behavior to that of Jimmy "The Expert" Carter, for example. Carter styles himself a fount of wisdom on such items as foreign policy (hyuk), American values (snort), and discovering the fine, microscopic distinctions between Israel and Nazi Germany (guffaw). Yes, Mr. Carter, you've done good work for Habitat for Humanity, but this doesn't provide an all-expenses-paid pass for public jackassery. Putting it mildly, you don't know peanuts about most of the subjects upon which you expound liberally--pun intended. Nor does writing tomes of such gravity as Palestinian Peace, Jewish Terror, I Trust Mahdi Ahmadinejad, or Crucify Him: My Take on the Bush Presidency mean that you have any more knowledge of these matters than the typical North Korean. Actually, it means you're a self-important and self-deluded idiot who should shun the public realm and keep within the confines of the Hindsight Is 20/20 Club.

I keep hearing radio talk-show hosts and pundimwits on tv say that Carter is out of control, then qualify this with. . ."and he's eighty-two years old." I'm sorry, how is this relevant? Our dearly-departed President Ford was much older than that, without any of the attendant moronics. Nor did Ronald Reagan dash to and fro, in his later years, screeching that jihadis just want understanding. This is an insult to those of great age and clear moral wisdom. Unless he's under the duress of dotage-induced senility, then bringing up his octogenarianism is an evasion of the real issue: that Carter's problem has nothing to do with age, and everything to do with being a relativist ass.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas!

To all my loyal and longsuffering readers, I wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, filled with a new lease on life, and even more prosperity than ever before--especially prosperity of a spiritual nature. I'm fond of every one of you, and I truly wish you all the best.

I hope that each of us keeps the true meaning of this season in our hearts; for without Christ, Christmas is a meaningless observance. Whether or not you believe Christ was born on December 25 isn't important. What is important is that He was born, grew to manhood, and died for the salvation of us all. The inimitable sacrifice He made was not possible without first being born and walking the Earth as a human being, in fulfillment of prophecy. So I believe a celebration of His birth is in order, whether in the chill of December, or the sun-kissed days of May.

If you've not invited him into you heart and life, yet, I gently urge you to do so.

He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

God bless our great nation, our troops overseas in harm's way, and each of you. Merry Christmas!

Dear Peacemongers. . .

How do you say "Season's Greetings" to an enemy combatant being held at Guantanamo Bay? It's only a guess, but maybe the cheerful holiday cards go like this:

Dear Avowed Enemy of America: Merry Christmas.

Dear I Yearn to Be a Martyr and Hook Up With 72 Virgins in Heaven: Happy Hanukkah.

Dear Friend of Usama Bin Laden: Happy New Year.

It's a well-established tradition for Americans at home to deliver Christmas cheer to U.S. soldiers stationed around the world, but it turns out that prisoners held in the War on Terror are getting good tidings of their own, too.

The 400 or so detainees at Joint Task Force detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, have received approximately 500 holiday greeting cards, said Army Col. Lora Tucker, a spokeswoman for the prison.

This tickled my funnybone. It also made me wonder how bad the Guantanamo detainees have it, since they are allowed the receipt of mail. Sounds just shy of water-boarding.

I have one of my own. Dear Murderers. May our Lord illuminate your hearts in this Christmas season, and lead you away from darkness into perpetual light. Amen.

Friday, December 22, 2006

A Seasonal Revision

You better watch out.
Give him no crap.
Better convert
Or you'll take a dirt nap.
Jihad Claus is coming to town.

He's making a list
And checking it thrice;
He's gonna put the
Great Satan on ice.
Jihad Claus is coming to town.

He knows if you've been praying
At least five times a day.
He knows that you've been bad not good,
So he must blow you away.

O! You better watch out!
You wear a bull's-eye.
Better just run;
I'm telling you why.
Jihad Claus is coming to town.

He knows you're in compliance,
Like those in free Baghdad,
If you say "Allahu Akbar!"
And the old wife's burkha-clad.

He won't say it twice.
Don't think him rude:
Your choices are death
Or dhimmitude.
Jihad Claus is coming to town!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

A Visit from the Man

'Twas the eve of next Woodstock, when all through the house
not a hippie was stirring, not even a louse.
The peace pipes were laid on the table with care,
in hopes that some choice herb soon would be there.

The free-lovers nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of water bongs danced in their heads.
My unwashed old lady with natty dreadlocks
Slept with a deathgrip on her little pillbox.

When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
I jumped up in the buff to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
With fog in my brain from a toke of bad hash.

The moon blinded me, and I started to flail
Like a hopped-up Ms. Keller reading her Braille.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But the whole police force and their cold riot gear.

With a big megaphone, so lively and quick,
Their chief called us out, each stoned Bolshevik.
More rapid than sour-mash goes through my spare frame
He whistled and shouted, and called us by name:

"Now Moon-Unit! Dweezil!
And Sweet Passion Flower!
And anyone else
With scant mental power!
From the top of the porch!
To the cramped jail cell!
Right after the firehose
Saves us from your smell!"

Septic Origin

I am for socialism, disarmament, and, ultimately, for abolishing the state itself... I seek the social ownership of property, the abolition of the propertied class, and the sole control of those who produce wealth. Communism is the goal.

No, this is not my personal creed, nor is it an impassioned excerpt from George Clooney's diary, though it parallels the latter, no doubt. Guess who said it.

If you assumed Karl Marx--or even Hillary "Clinton" Rodham--you'd be wrong.

Roger Baldwin made this remark in an article titled "Freedom in the U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R." Who is this Baldwin character? Why, he's none other than one of the founders of that august civil rights group, the ACLU, serving as its executive director until 1950. Such an auspicious beginning; such a hallowed birth. The question is, why would anyone in his right mind associate himself with an organization dedicated to the propagation of communism or its milder brother, socialism?

The next time you learn that a friend or family member is a loyal drone, fill them in on this little historical tidbit. I expect two possible reactions to the revelation: either they'll clap for joy and screech out a song about the downtrodden workers, or their eyes will grow as large as dinner plates in sheer horror.

Regardless, it'll be a Kodak moment.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

A Dialogue

Here's a conversation I had with an atheist at Vox's blog over the past couple of days. I thought it might interest some of you, so I've posted it below without comment:

Commenter: You believe that the Jews are God's chosen people? Why? Because their early writers said so? If you step back and take a long look look at this "God chose us" claim made by the Jews, it exposes itself as the self-serving nonsense it really is.

Me: I believe for two reasons: One, I accept that the Holy Bible is God's inspired Word. Therein, it is made clear that they are His chosen ones. My second reason blends w/ the first. No other group of people has experienced such sustained & methodical persecution as the Jews. Yet they manage surviving & flourishing wherever they find themselves. I see this as evidence of the Bible's validity.

Commenter: It's a handy tool the Jews have used from day one to justify whatever they have wanted to do as an identifiable group of people, from the mass slaughter of the Canaanites to the ejecting of Palestinians from their homes.

Me: Really? Tell that to the many, many Americans & Israelis who publicly & vociferently identify as Jews, while distancing themselves from religious connotations as much as possible. The ADL is but one example. And your comment about the Palestinians indicates moral ambiguity.

Commenter: To believe that your god, or the Jews god, or any god for that matter, would OK this sort of conduct is to be sucked in by a crude--but obvioulsy effective--con job.

Me: Now you're being silly; I made no claim that God approves every action from the Jews. It's a red herring. Being God's chosen people does not suggest a state of moral perfection, nor is that the traditional Christian understanding of their status.

Commenter: If God (big G) really exists, it is the God that has created us all, a God that would not pick out a single human soul amongst the sum total us all to elevate and glorify, much the less so for any particular group of humans. Perhaps God's one and only half-human son could be the exception, but certainly no other person, or group of people, whatever they may claim to the contrary.

Me: I agree that He created us all. As for the rest, setting a group apart as special purveyors of His Word to the rest of the world does not equal "glorification." In truth, such a position entailed great hardship & villification.

BTW, haven't you identified yourself as an atheist or agnostic in other threads on this blog? Correct me if I'm wrong. If so, why should I take your presumptions about a supposedly nonexistent God's thought processes seriously?

Commenter: One may actually think it's totally logical to believe in such blatant discrimination by God, and the chain of logic may be flawless and unarguable, but the logic is based on a false premise, a premise that has to include the idea that God is subject to human emotions. That would not be God. That would be a man-made god, custom designed to support any particular desire or need one can imagine, a convienient god, a comfortable god, and, IMO, a completely rejectable god.

Me: Again, more presumptuousness from a professed unbeliever. Scripture makes it clear that God displays emotions similar to ours, such as anger, sadness, love, & pleasure. The difference is that His aren't marred by a sinful framework, but come from spiritual & moral perfection.

The Christian understanding is that God created a good world that fell into ruin due to sin. So our emotions are a pale & sin-wracked imitation of His, not vice-versa.

Scripture depicts God as having emotions, w/out being a comfortable, convenient, wish-granting God. In fact, He's the diametric opposite of all three.

I suggest you find a Bible & read it, w/ a sincere effort at comprehension. You say that I labor under a false premise, yet you provide zero evidence for this beyond your own opinion about how God would do things, alas, if He only existed. Congratulations on the superlative hubris.

Commenter: Wes, You appear to believe in a god made in man's image, complete with--as you say-- anger, sadness, love and pleasure. That's no god, that's just a human contruct designed to make you feel better.

What is so hard about realizing--regardless of what you've been taught to believe--that a real God would have no human emotions? That they would be fatal weaknesses for an all-powerful being?

It is emotions that make us lose self-control, to explode in anger, to lash out, and if we had unlimited power--like the power to create a universe--one temper fit and it would be all over for everybody, everything, everywhere.

So, the fact that the universe exists today demonstrates to me that either God is not subject to human emotions, or that God is in reality a man-made fantasy.

I absolutey believe you cannot have it both ways.

One other thing: You actually believe that God's anger comes from spiritual and moral perfection? You have GOT to be joking!

Me: I believe in the Bible's representation of God. The brief picture I painted is the biblical one.

As I said earlier, our emotions are a poor reflection of His, not the other way around. Our emotions are problematic because they are steeped in a sinful nature. Imagine emotion w/out this burden.

A real god w/out emotions would be a divinity incapable--by definition--of caring about its creation. How would a god indifferent to its creatures ever muster the motivation for the act of creating? That concept is no more appealing than the emotional God you decry.

As for God's anger, have you ever heard of the concept of righteous anger? Is wrath always wrong, & always improperly expressed? I'm betting you don't think so.

If you take nothing else away from my remarks, understand that I'm saying yes, God has emotions, but His feelings are not hampered by the sin nature of mankind. This is a major difference between the two.

Commenter: Hmmm.

Look around the world, take a good objective nose-out-of-the-bible look, and then tell me you see signs of emotional and caring God.

"Righteous Anger"? Bah. No different in concept than righteous rape, or righteous lying, or righteous stealing.

You people just can't get the human out of your god.

That is real hubris.

Me: I know of plentiful evidence. How about compassionate people who risk their lives to help or rescue total strangers from death? WWII is replete w/ such examples, & many, many of those who made these sacrifices were Christians, led by their beliefs to act on them. How about answered prayers? I know, I know, answered prayers are coincidences, & sympathetic Christians are just people. I see God behind all of it, & I'm fully aware that I can't prove His existence beyond doubt. I acknowledge the need for faith.

So are you suggesting that anger is inherently immoral? Assuming you believe rape, lying, & stealing are wrong, it's the only conclusion I can draw from your comment.

It's only hubris if it's wrong. You've not demonstrated that.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Drain of Consciousness

Notorious internment camps where Japanese-Americans were kept behind barbed wire during World War II will be preserved as stark reminders of how the United States turned on some of its citizens in a time of fear.

Don't worry, folks. This is not a wasteful or illogical act. We may have need of them again. This country is lousy with undesirables, such as Catholics, federalists, libertarians, cultural preservers, WASPs, heterosexuals, etc.


An Israeli think tank with strong links to the military released videos and testimony Tuesday it said proved Hezbollah guerrillas used civilians as human shields during last summer's war in Lebanon.

Stop the presses!! You mean the media misled us, and Hezbollah actually isn't a gang of pacifistic communal hippies? File this under "No Kidding."


Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter is reportedly pregnant.

The Washington Post said 37-year-old Mary Cheney, the openly gay daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney and wife Lynne, is due in late spring. The paper reported she and longtime partner Heather Poe, 45, are "ecstatic." Poe and Cheney have been together for 15 years, according to the Post.

Old news, but here's a slightly different spin on it. Hm, let's see: her name is Mary. Check. She's become pregnant without the aid of a man. Check. Why, it's almost like a biblical story come to life. Maybe this is how the Antichrist will come into the world.


Does water STILL flow on Mars?

More importantly, should we care? Of course we should. Imagine all the money Evian can make after bottling, importing, and selling this product to the thirsty masses. Spring water from Mars. Only the Red Label guarantees quality. I propose we allocate 160 billion dollars in voluntary taxpayer "donations" to the study of discovering if, definitively, water flows on Mars, and where we can install the tap.


A giant black hole displaying horrifying table manners has been caught in the act of guzzling a star in a galaxy 4 billion light-years away, scientists using an orbiting NASA telescope said on Tuesday.

For those who just can't wrap their minds around the implications of this dizzying concept, let me explain it in layman's terms: Imagine that the black hole is the federal government. Now imagine that you are the star.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Some Christmas Cheer

Over the river and through the woods

Over the river and through the woods
To our stolen lands we go.
The guide knows the way through Rio Grande spray
To dodge the old gringo.

Over the river and through the woods,
We'll find a better life.
We might kill a few and drink us some brew
And even bed your wife.

Over the river and through the woods
Our offspring anchor us.
Yes, we make the green, while racists get mean
And spit and yell and cuss.

Over the river and through the woods
Our coyote leads us on.
From melting pot to chamber pot
While your so-called leaders yawn.

Over the river and through the woods
And straight through the backyard door.
We only speak Spanish. Your rights will vanish.
Adios conquistador.

Over the river and through the woods
Your prisons overflow.
Your granny will die. Forget apple pie.
Hurray for the old taco!

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Burning the Olive Branch

More gushy goodness from Muhammed's Peaceniks:

MOGADISHU, Somalia — Residents of a southern Somalia town who do not pray five times a day will be beheaded, an official said Wednesday, adding the edict will be implemented in three days.

Gives new meaning to the term "severed from reality." Gosh, just reading this makes me long for a galactic caliphate, as I polish my scimitar with relish, and think of all the neat Christmas decorations I can make with those grinning human skulls.


TWO Muslim students have been expelled from an Islamic school in Melbourne for urinating and spitting on a Bible and setting it on fire.

Why is this worthy of a headline? I mean, when you gotta go, you gotta go. And what is the most logical place for a Muscum to drop filthy robe and relieve himself, but on a Bible? As for burning it, I'm sure they did so to mask the unpleasant odoriferous emanations of their waste products. Spitting on it was natural when the fire became unmanageable and had to be extinguished.

"Go North, Young Manuel"

One in seven Mexican workers have left their country and are working in the United States, an immigration study said on Tuesday.

Up to 9.4 percent of the all persons born in Mexico were living in the United States in 2005, according to the report. In the same year, 14 percent of Mexican workers had jobs on U.S. soil, compared to 2.5 percent of Canadians.

Based on data from the Census Bureau's 2006 Current Population Survey, Batalova found that Mexicans accounted for nearly one-third of the 22.6 million foreign-born workers in the United States, or almost 5 percent of the total civilian labor force.

And yet I can't find a good Dubya effigy pinata. Ah, well. Just as Rome wasn't built in a day, Aztlan won't be constructed in a day, either. But with our politicians sitting on their thumbs and whistling the Mexican National Anthem, the project is well under way.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Fun at Wal-Mart

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping inWal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares. . . and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a sales clerk asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme .

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" usingdifferent size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" And last, but not least ...

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Hating Christians. . .One Lie at a Time

The so-called war on Christmas has been reignited with an ironic decision by the city of Chicago to ban advertisements for "The Nativity Story" movie from a local Christmas festival, fearing they might offend non-Christians.

Of course, offending Christians in the process of this non-offensiveness is a non-issue, and is in fact the preferred modus operandi.

Chicago officials maintain the city doesn't wish to appear to endorse one religion over another.

A likely lie, but it's a Christmas festival, people. Get it? A Christmas-oriented movie trailer at a Christmas festival. If the mention of Jesus gives you the drippy drawers, then call it a pagan winter bacchanal, or something.

"Our guidance was that this very prominently placed advertisement would not only be insensitive to the many people of different faiths who come to enjoy the market for its food and unique gifts, but also it would be contrary to acceptable advertising standards suggested to the many festivals holding events on Daley Plaza," Jim Law, executive director of the office, said in a statement.

Ever notice how statements like this are never based on known quantities, but rather on what "might" happen? It's ridiculous and demonstrative of the dishonesty inherent in such an outlook. Here's an equivalent: "I'll never drive my car again, for I someday might be in an accident." Utterly stupid. We cannot have an outward display of Christianity, because some cretin might get offended. If this is a criterion that must needs be met, how do these buffoons remain unparalyzed and functional on planet Earth, on a day-to-day basis? Everything you say or do has the potential to irk someone, somewhere. So what is the solution? Voluntary euthanasia? Someone, please, take your Constitution out of Polly's birdcage liner and show me where it states that you have a right never to be offended. "The American people being a whiny, hyper-sensitive lot, the subjective right not to have one's feelings hurt shall not be infringed." I know, I know. When you can't find this particular amendment, you'll just notify me that it was there, in the beginning, but it hurt George Washington's wittle feelings, so they removed it.

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Family Values Advocates

Our president and various others insist that aliens of the legal and illegal varieties are wonderful, hard-working, neighborly people--the kind you might find lining the streets, smiling and waving, in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. And I'm sure that's true, when they're not:

Aiding the Taliban

Toilet flotsam from terrorist-sponsoring hellholes

In addition, I'm sure that they're pretty swell, when not engaged in selling drugs on our soil. My local newspaper ran a story in the last couple of days about three men of Mexican extraction who were caught with large quantities of marijuana; and we're not talking about their private smoking stash, either. So far, their legal status has yet to be determined, but I'll wager a chihuahua chalupa that they're wet behind the ears.

I walked into a pizza joint tonight for supper, and found to my delight that fully half its employees were Mexicans, freely clucking Spanish to each other, and el Diablo take the blanco devils' befuddlement. Just more of those jobs Americans won't do--you know, like construction, agriculture, all facets of the restaurant industry, janitorial work, stocking shelves at department stores (Wetback-Mart, I'm lookin' at you), landscaping, the presidency, etc. etc. ad infinitum, ad nauseum. When I first arrived, half the patrons were Mexican, as well.

Apparently, Americans don't work at all any more. They just sit home on their cellulite-ridden backsides, glued to the La-Z-Boy getting carpal tunnel syndrome from clicking the tv remote. I wonder how all the poor and downtrodden make ends meet? How do high school kids make a few bucks to buy Trojan's newest experimental flavor? How do those with only twelfth-grade educations get by? Everywhere I look, I see Mexicans doing jobs that Americans did enthusiastically less than five years ago. In some cases, two years ago. So what happened? Which is more plausible--that vast numbers of American citizens pay their bills and feed their kids while happily unemployed, or that the government, alien lobbyists, and greedy, unpatriotic businesses lie through their teeth when exclaiming that Americans just won't do these jobs? I say it's the latter.

I'm sick of watching my country being torn down around my ears by people who smile and pat us on our heads, and tell us how it's all for our betterment, and tsk-tsk at our lack of discernment and--in the warm glow of tolerance and diversity--reveal that Hell is, indeed, a better place than Heaven, if everyone there is polychromatic.

"Diversity" is just a fancy term for cultural suicide. I may offend some, but at this point, I don't care any more: If you believe that allowing millions of legal or illegal immigrants into your country who do not share your cultural worldview, your language, and refuse assimilation is a good thing, you're an idiot. This is one of those rare instances where it really is that simple.