Drain of Consciousness

Notorious internment camps where Japanese-Americans were kept behind barbed wire during World War II will be preserved as stark reminders of how the United States turned on some of its citizens in a time of fear.

Don't worry, folks. This is not a wasteful or illogical act. We may have need of them again. This country is lousy with undesirables, such as Catholics, federalists, libertarians, cultural preservers, WASPs, heterosexuals, etc.

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An Israeli think tank with strong links to the military released videos and testimony Tuesday it said proved Hezbollah guerrillas used civilians as human shields during last summer's war in Lebanon.

Stop the presses!! You mean the media misled us, and Hezbollah actually isn't a gang of pacifistic communal hippies? File this under "No Kidding."

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Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter is reportedly pregnant.

The Washington Post said 37-year-old Mary Cheney, the openly gay daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney and wife Lynne, is due in late spring. The paper reported she and longtime partner Heather Poe, 45, are "ecstatic." Poe and Cheney have been together for 15 years, according to the Post.

Old news, but here's a slightly different spin on it. Hm, let's see: her name is Mary. Check. She's become pregnant without the aid of a man. Check. Why, it's almost like a biblical story come to life. Maybe this is how the Antichrist will come into the world.

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Does water STILL flow on Mars?

More importantly, should we care? Of course we should. Imagine all the money Evian can make after bottling, importing, and selling this product to the thirsty masses. Spring water from Mars. Only the Red Label guarantees quality. I propose we allocate 160 billion dollars in voluntary taxpayer "donations" to the study of discovering if, definitively, water flows on Mars, and where we can install the tap.

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A giant black hole displaying horrifying table manners has been caught in the act of guzzling a star in a galaxy 4 billion light-years away, scientists using an orbiting NASA telescope said on Tuesday.

For those who just can't wrap their minds around the implications of this dizzying concept, let me explain it in layman's terms: Imagine that the black hole is the federal government. Now imagine that you are the star.