Friday, April 30, 2010

Kiss My Butt

My mother told me a story last week about how one of her friends found a letter in her mailbox from the local police department. This friendly missive said that a "concerned citizen" had notified the police -- presumably by writing down her license plate number -- that she had engaged in one of the most unspeakable acts of modern times: littering. This atrocity manifest itself as a dropped cigarette butt. The letter assured her that this was her sole warning; a second offense carries the pricetag of a $1,500 fine. The friendly neighborhood extortionist also said that if a cop sees you litter and pulls you over, there's no warning on offer, just a fat fine.

There's so much that I can say, here; but let's start with the acknowledgment that a $1,500 penalty is a disproportionate response. It's the brand of idiocy I expect from environmental maniacs like Algore, who believe that Mother Earth awaits her vengeance, and the only good humans are those with several feet of earth and turf over them.

And government drones squint their eyes in confusion and wonder why the public believes they care more about cash than justice. Gee, I wonder. I'm sorry, but you don't get the privilege of abusing your position of power for the crass acquisition of greenbacks and also receive respect from the citizenry. That's not how the world works, except perhaps in Obamatopia.

I wish she knew the "concerned" informant / busybody's name and address. If I were her, I'd bide my time and save up a year's worth of cigarette butts. I'd even ask my friends and family for contributions to the carcinoma fund. I'd save bags and bags of the stuff, then take them to the "concerned" stool pigeon's house and cram them up her / his / its car tailpipe, dust its flowerbeds with these little filtered gems, and dump a heaping pile on the "concerned" fink's front porch. Speaking of putting stinky butts in their place.

I think one could make a case that $1,500 for an inch - long cigarette butt is cruel and unusual punishment; it's the same level of cruelty and contempt Hollywood exhibits when elevating Bennifer Afflack to a leading - man role.

I shudder to think of the retribution dreamed up for those who commit further butt droppage. I see it now: a woman led to a wooden pole, a look of mystified horror distorting her features. There, the Smokestaffel lackey offers her a cigarette, but he warns that she'd better make use of the ashtray to her left. "We can't kill you twice for the same crime," he says, "but we darned sure can kneecap you, before the final curtain falls." Ouch. He blindfolds her, and the last things she sees before going down into darkness are the ubiquitous signs pasted on every visible wall that request in bold, black letters:

Please Put Litter In Its Place

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Only in Tennessee

Seen while driving through town a couple of days ago:

A man who looked like "Buffalo" Bill Cody in a tank - top and shorts, having difficulty pedaling a three - wheeled bicycle uphill. At the rear of the bike was a metal basket, within which rode two comfortable passengers:

A puppy and a large rooster.

I'm not kidding.

I think he was on his way to Wal - Mart, where he could have his picture taken and become an Internet icon.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My Brain Is Trapped in the TARDIS

In an article by David B. Hart about the intellectual vacuity of certain vocal Atheists, Hart discusses a current book, 50 Voices of Disbelief: Why We Are Atheists:

The whole project probably reaches its reductio ad absurdum when the science-fiction writer Sean Williams explains that he learned to reject supernaturalism in large part from having grown up watching Doctor Who.

Interesting. I had a diametric opposite reaction to boob tubage philosophy: I embraced the supernatural after becoming a "religious" viewer of Highway to Heaven. Tom Baker is nowhere near as convincing a prophet as Little Joe Cartwright.

Hat tip to Vox Day

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Humor in the News

George Washington's in trouble:

Two centuries ago, the nation's first President borrowed two tomes from the New York Society Library on E. 79th St. and never returned them, racking up an inflation-adjusted $300,000 late fee.


Some visitors to a new exhibit at New York City's Museum of Modern Art are being asked to leave because they are touching nude performers.

The performers featured in Marina Abramovic's new exhibition have complained of being pushed, prodded and poked by some patrons.

The museum acknowledges that it has had problems with some visitors touching the live art. It is declining to talk about specific cases, but says visitors caught doing it are escorted out.

Just a quick word of free advice to all the exhibitionists: If you don't like getting groped, don't lie around in public nekkid.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

"If You're gonna call me that . . . Smile!"

If you like Western films, you might enjoy this article.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

That was Then . . .

This is now:

Remember Elian Gonzalez? He's now a member of the Young Communists League, in Cuba.
Take a bow, Bill Clinton and Janet Reno. Aren't you proud?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

He Is Risen . . .

. . . and He lives forevermore.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. -- John 16:33

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. -- John 14:1-3

And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified. He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay. -- Matthew 28:5-6

And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted. And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him. But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you. -- Mark 16:5-7

Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them. And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre. And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus. And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments: And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee, Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again. -- Luke 24:1-7