Multi-talented

Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton said Friday she sees her sometimes Southern accent as a virtue.

"I think America is ready for a multilingual president," Clinton said during a campaign stop at a charter school in Greenville, S.C.

Ayup. She's multilingual, all right. Her forked tongue approximates English well enough, and she speaks Ebonics better than a ghetto hood with auctioneer training. But no one holds a candle to her fluency in well-modulated Marxian B.S.

The Nativity Story

I went into this movie with trepidation. On the one hand was the subject matter: a story that absorbs me, no matter how many times it receives screen treatment; on the other were the lukewarm reviews, and a director at the helm who made the morally confused movie Thirteen, about two out-of-control teenage girls and one girl's helpless, useless mother. This doesn't inspire confidence in the adaptation of Christ's birth and its surrounding events.

Fortunately, the director succeeded in making a good film. It offers beautiful cinematography and attention to detail. We see the thought processes of the Wise Men play out on-screen, and realize how arduous was their journey to see the newborn Messiah. We also see the trials Joseph and Mary endured: local gossip about Mary's pregnancy, the turmoil Joseph probably experienced after discovering she was with child, Mary's parents' anxiety and confusion, and the fears the couple shared about their future. Most impressive was the journey of Joseph and Mary to Bethlehem, and the obstacles they overcame in making it. One rarely gives this thought, but their trek was a great undertaking, first to Bethlehem, and then the subsequent flight into Egypt. Their plight makes me appreciate them all the more for their sacrifices and hardships.

Overall, I recommend this movie. But it wouldn't be an honest review, without mentioning the flaws. The final fifteen minutes or so seem rushed, as if the production team went overboard in trimming the film down under two hours. In addition, we're treated to a scene in the marketplace on the road to Bethlehem, in which a palm reader predicts Mary's birthing of a son. This event serves no purpose, other than the novelty of having occultic practices depicted for the Christian audience's enrichment. Some minor, unjustifiable biblical inconsistencies occur, such as when only one angel appears to the shepherds at Jesus' birth; scripture reveals that a heavenly host manifest itself. Also, the Wise Men decide of their own volition not to return to their homeland by way of Jerusalem; the Gospels say that they were warned about Herod in dreams, precipitating their deviation. Such flaws crop up in the film's latter portion. The worst mistake is the choice of actress as Mary. She's a pretty girl, about the right age, but her expression has all the animation of the figures carved into Mount Rushmore. No matter the situation--from an angelic visitation, to the shepherds and Magi attending her like servants, it is as changeless as a statue's. In contrast, the actor who plays Joseph provides a much superior performance.

I'm not attempting to deter anyone from viewing this film. It's worth seeing at least once. But with closer attention to scriptural accuracy, an unhurried ending, and a livelier actress in Mary's role, we'd have more than just a good movie; we'd have a great one.

Post-Atrocity Blues

Late last week, Virginny Tech held a memorial service on campus for those murdered by resident alien devil Cho Seung-Hui. President Bush was in attendance, and gave a very poignant address to the audience, in which he mentioned God and hinted that the Bible has value beyond its door-stop potential. I'm not a fan of Mr. Bush, as many of you may find yourselves aghast to hear, but he deserves credit where its due. He did well, in an uncharacteristically eloquent speech, and I commend him.

Afterwards, I gritted my teeth through the next few speakers: a Muslim imam, a Buddhist spokesperson, and a couple of Jewish ladies. Topping it off like rat droppings on a wedding cake was a Lutheran minister who sounded more like someone kicked out of Woodstock for being too positive about human nature than a Christian pastor. I'm not interested in refusing them a public forum for their views, but I found myself asking myself: "Self, since the overwhelming majority of Americans profess belief in Christianity, or find more in common with it than any other religion, why am I seeing Muslims, Jews, Buddhists and feel-good weenies take center stage? Is it an attempt at inclusiveness? Does V-Tech have a large, unrepresentative student population of adherents to these religions?" To my chagrin, my Self didn't have a definitive answer to this question.

I'm inclined to believe that it's about inclusiveness--the ill-spawned child of multiculturalism, which posits that all religions, cultures, and philosophical viewpoints are of equal worth and beauty. But the administrators' reach exceeded their grasp, in my opinion. Why do it half-hearted? I resented the absence of Confucianists, Zoroastrians, Taoists, and Hindus. I was outraged that no Satanists, Thuggees, or Wiccans had the floor. Where were the Druids? Where were those swarthy individuals who long for Quetzalcoatl's return? I wanted grove dancers and folks who bask in the radiant glow of crystals. I wanted worshippers of bulbous-headed, gray beings from Zibblezok. I wanted animism, pantheism, and Arianism. I squinted for those who prostrate themselves at the foot of Mount Olympus, and spit Crom's name to the four winds, but they were not there. Once I thought I saw Cthulhu's squamous mass, but it was Hillary mugging for the cameras. I sat close to the tv in hopes of glimpsing a Hare Krishna's chrome dome, but no. Alas, I was deprived of my precious Moonies, Goonies, and Loonies, though in fairness some of the speakers on-site approached the latter.

In the goal of inclusiveness, how dare you draw a line of demarcation!

Happy Earth Day

I'd like to tell the U.S.A.:

Stop killing off the trees!

Stay out of ANWR with your drills,

If you pretty please.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony,

So take Osama by the hand

In childlike bonhomie.

I'd like to teach the world to smoke

From pipes and bowls and bongs.

I'd like to buy the world a toke

And sing these happy songs.

That's the real thing.

Can't ya hear what I say?

What the world needs today

Is the real thing, dude.

The V-Tech Atrocity

There's something chilling and inexplicable about a person whose soul drives him to brutally murder innocent civilians. Even understanding that humanity is a fallen, wretched creation, it's difficult wrapping one's head around the concept.

Cutting right to the chase, we have over 20,000 gun "control" laws in this country; not one of them would have hindered this devil from obtaining a firearm. Not one. Even if the local gun dealer had refused him, acquiring one on the black market would've been a cinch. Guns are easy to come by, in America--and throughout the world, for that matter. The issue is not widespread availability of guns, or too few laws. The problem is sin. Contributing to the enlargement of sin's options is keeping firearms out of the hands of law-abiding citizens.

Virginia Tech's administrators prided themselves on having zero tolerance for gun possession on campus. This resulted in sixty people shot, over thirty of whom are dead. Since these policies apply only to those inclined to heed them, a situation arose in which mowing down large numbers of people was easier than shearing penned sheep. How many citizens must suffer and die before the utter worthlessness--and, indeed, counterproductivity-- of gun laws is acknowledged?

The most depressing aspect of this situation is that, in all likelihood, no one will learn a thing from it. I expect anti-gun crusaders will utilize this as a tool for more restrictions on those least likely to commit such acts.

A century ago, this spree of wanton destruction wouldn't have happened; not because of technological crudity or evil's rarity, but for a more comforting reason:

When the shooter opened fire, he would've had twenty people shooting back at him.

To Bee or Not to Bee

Are mobile phones wiping out our bees?: Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious 'colony collapse' of bees.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) occurs when a hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, leaving only queens, eggs and a few immature workers, like so many apian Mary Celestes. The vanished bees are never found, but thought to die singly far from home. The parasites, wildlife and other bees that normally raid the honey and pollen left behind when a colony dies, refuse to go anywhere near the abandoned hives.

Gives new meaning to the old adage, "You can't go home, again." And how do you like "Colony Collapse Disorder?" Isn't that a British description of the American Revolution? Sounds painful. Who knew bees had their own pathological conditions? Kinda like drunks who suffer from Ambulatorius Interruptus.

In other news, globalgore warming is culling the polar bears, hunters are systematically wiping out Bambi and his friends with glee, Flipper became sushi because of homies playin' dey rap too lowd, and I just killed a singular horsefly specimen with a flyswatter.

Thus another species hovers on the brink of extinction.

Death Is a Nappy-headed Ho

By now, I'm betting you've heard or read Don Imus' name on every tv channel, radio station, newpaper and magazine in the past week exponentially more times than you'd catch the descriptor for a female dog at a rap recording session. This post constitutes my humble contribution to that burr under your saddle.

Up front, let me say that I think Imus is a left-wing idiot. I have zero use for him or his show, Imus Schmuck in the Morning. That said, his terminal case of foot-in-mouth disease offers an interesting revelation about current realities; realities that cost him his job after forty years on the air.

Imus committed the cardinal sin of kicking sand over the PC line. That's the career equivalent of hara kiri, these days--especially when it involves our precious minority, the Warriors of Infinite Moral Pulchritude and Strength (WIMPS). It's a worse mistake than a nubile young girl seeking a shower at the Bates Motel.

Reptiles in glossy suits--like that greasy character Al $harpton, and his counterpart Je$$e Jack$on--never bat a nictitating membrane when someone of Imus' septic caliber trashes Christians on-air, or smears other racial, political, or religious groups. It's simply a non-issue. But make a remark implying that blacks are anything less than angels of light, and we get hucksters circling the waters, like sharks on the blood-scent.

The bottom line is that it's not about what's appropriate or virtuous behavior in public; it's about the acquisition of power, fame, and viewing the world through racial lenses permanently affixed to the mind's eye. Imus didn't forfeit his career because he's a cad; he lost it because he made the fatal error of deviation from the party line, in public.

Who's the bigger racist: the man who makes an off-color remark on a radio show with a reputation for crass, unkind comments; or the man who attacks this individual for his sin, while ignoring it in those of his own skin pigmentation?

Keep on the Sunny Side

A new analysis shows that the Sun is more active now than it has been at anytime in the previous 1,000 years.

Scientists based at the Institute for Astronomy in Zurich used ice cores from Greenland to construct a picture of our star's activity in the past.

They say that over the last century the number of sunspots rose at the same time that the Earth's climate became steadily warmer.

Doubtless warmer surface temperatures and simultaneous increased solar activity are unrelated. We know this because Algore tells us that in his upcoming dystopian pseudo-gospel, Hysteria Personified: How I Started the Gaian Cult of Doom. . .and Invented the Internet in the Process.

Even if these findings were accurate, the end result would be humanity's fault. I can hear the econazis now: "Sol's active state indicates a fiery loss of temper, due to humanity's abuse of the edenic planetary organism called Earth. Its justifiable wrath will broil the human contaminant into ashes, like a self-cleaning oven. Thus achieving universal equilibrium, once again."

The March of Progress

A commenter named Ivan Poland posted this joke over at Vox's a while back. I enjoyed it so much, I thought I'd share it, here:

Teaching Math In the fifties: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In the sixties: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In the seventies: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In the eighties: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In the nineties: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2007: Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

Happy Easter!

For non-Christian celebrants: happy springtime pastoral long-eared rodentlike specimen of the Leporidae family day!

Have a Drink on Me

More reasons to import them by the baker's million:

In 2005, there were 37 alcohol-related crashes caused by Hispanic drivers for every 10,000 Hispanics in the state, according to the UNC Highway Safety Research Center. That is more than three times the rate of alcohol-related crashes among non-Hispanics.

Bobby Dunn, who counsels Spanish-speaking DWI convicts in Johnston and Wilson counties, said his clients are often young men far from home with money in their pockets for the first time. Many were too poor to have cars in Mexico, so they have little experience behind the wheel.

That'll make me feel muy better next time I hear of a drunken Mexican running down a young mother pushing a baby stroller.

They also see drinking as a way of showing their manhood.

"The magic number is 12," Dunn said, or "un doce" in Spanish. "If you can drink 12 beers, you're a man."

Yep, because it takes a real man to pickle himself.

Many Hispanics have not grown up with anti-drunken-driving messages, and it will take time for the ideas to take hold.

Yes, I'm sure the "messages" will sink right into the besotted brains of those who were alcoholics before they clambered out of the Rio Grande. If you're getting blotto every other night, chances are the signals won't reach you through all the haze. All the sympathetic articles in the world can't hide this truth.

There's No Fool Like an April Fool

Here are 10 of the top April Fool's Day pranks ever pulled off, as judged by the San Diego-based Museum of Hoaxes for their notoriety, absurdity, and number of people duped.

-- In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.

-- In 1985, Sports Illustrated magazine published a story that a rookie baseball pitcher who could reportedly throw a ball at 270 kilometers per hour (168 miles per hour) was set to join the New York Mets. Finch was said to have mastered his skill -- pitching significantly faster than anyone else has ever managed -- in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans' celebrations were short-lived.

-- Sweden in 1962 had only one television channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to receive color pictures by pulling a nylon stocking over the screen. In fact, they had to wait until 1970.

-- In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.

Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

-- In 1977, British newspaper The Guardian published a seven-page supplement for the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semicolon-shaped islands. A series of articles described the geography and culture of the two main islands, named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.

-- In 1992, US National Public Radio announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." They even had clips of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Listeners flooded the show with calls expressing their outrage. Nixon's voice actually turned out to be that of impersonator Rich Little.

-- In 1998, a newsletter titled New Mexicans for Science and Reason carried an article that the state of Alabama had voted to change the value of pi from 3.14159 to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.

-- Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the "Left-Handed Whopper," specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.

-- Discover Magazine announced in 1995 that a highly respected biologist, Aprile Pazzo (Italian for April Fool), had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. The creatures were described as having bony plates on their heads that became burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speed -- a technique they used to hunt penguins.

-- Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth's gravity. Moore told listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary alignment, they would experience a floating sensation. Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sensation.


***


They say these are not true, but I swear I used to own one of those Swedish tvs.

The Big Lie

A letter to the editor found at WorldNetDaily:

[Joseph Farah:] I read with interest your article about the nontheist congressman from California.

Where did you learn your history? The United States was the shining example of a secular constitution and government. Can you show me where God is mentioned in the Constitution? And you may take any angle you like, but most of our Founding Fathers were borderline theists at best. Fact, documented. The Taliban was able to build a theocracy of violent zealots by miseducation and misrepresentation of the origin of Islam. You seem to be taking the same tack yourself.

Would you like to live in a country of zealots out to kill every non-Christian? That certainly is the way it looks from here. Get your god out of Washington; he was never invited!

SL


***


I've noticed that the more ignorant or dishonest a person is, the more willing he becomes to proclaim his ignorance or dishonesty from the highest rooftop. Let's see what we've got: the U.S. government was intended as a secular institution; our Founders were barely theists; Islam is distorted by Al-Killya and Taliban types; and Christianity is an "Amen" away from producing self-detonating Jihadis for Jesus. Before I continue, I'd like to commend the author for being wrong so many times in such a short letter; that requires skill in the art of cluelessness.

The United States government was never intended as a godless body. Our Constitution reveals a thoroughly Christian worldview, and the Declaration of Independence--which the writer ignores as irrelevant to his false argument--does mention God. There's nothing secular about our founding documents, nor our government in its conception. That these documents and institutions may be twisted into secular variants or obtusely misinterpreted says nothing about the original intentions of the people who conceived and/or penned them.

Regarding religious affiliations, the majority of the Founders were Christians, not "borderline theists." We had an atheist or two, and some Unitarian deists and what are known as theistic rationalists, but these latter two groups are a far cry from secularists. Understand, too, that the non-Christian theists of that day were believers in Jesus' moral authority, and in the basic worth of Christian principles. They rejected the specific claims of revelation, such as Christ's godhood; sad as this is, it does not a secular humanist make.

As for Talibanites and Muslim terrorist groups perverting true Islam, I'll just say that history, the Koran, and the Hadith (teachings & sayings of Muhammed) do not bear out this falacious assertion. Further, since Christianity has neither the same roots, nor similar priorities, nor even the same god or basic teachings as Islam, the contention that Christians--fundamentalist, or otherwise--pose a terror threat to the world is ludicrous and, again, not borne out by observable reality. Of course, that doesn't impede the Goebbelsian Big Lie policy on the part of those who have a vested interest in seeing Christianity's influence on this country eroded.

The bottom line is that the notion of Church and State separation as contemporarily understood emanates from a deliberate warping of the First Amendment's Establishment Clause, not from the desires of those who founded this once-great nation.