Monday, October 2, 2006

Gripe Post

Don't you hate it when you go to a restaurant, sit down in a nice little booth with your wife, and discover some moments later that the person sitting behind you can't quit coughing? At first it was a little hack, which escalated into a bark and leveled off in a gurgling gasp. The lady wasn't choking; she just couldn't stop coughing. I was afraid I'd turn around and see a lunger wetback waving at me from the next booth as she turned blue. The question that immediately struck me was: Why in the world is this person out and about, rather than curled up at home under a blanket with some medicine and a nice bowl of soup? Nah, why do that, when the alternative of sharing the wealth of infection with the public is so much more fun? If you don't hear from me in the next couple of days, just assume a scenario not unlike that in the film Outbreak is ravaging the South.


"Traffic Calming Ahead"--have you ever seen one of these infuriating signs? I love how our public officials have come up with PC, gentle terms for extreme inconveniences and annoyances. For those unfamiliar with this phrase, Traffic Calming means speed bumps ahead--and not just any ol' speed bumps; these are the Everests of speed bumps; they'd give Edmund Hillary pause. As I ascended the summit of one, I swear I got a nosebleed.

The problem with these is that they're new to the area; a few months ago, there were none. So if someone doesn't see the sign, then it's bye-bye muffler, so long undercarriage, and arrividerci to his tailbone. Just remember: Traffic Calming means a totaled car--unless you're doing 2 1/2 mph.

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