Columbus Day

In fourteen hundred ninety-two

Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

He cruised out from obscurity

Right on into infamy.

He sailed for pillage and for vice.

He picked his nose and scratched his lice.

And when he saw an island fair,

He said: "Curse this mal de mer!

Let's drop anchor over there,

So I can snatch an Injun's hair!"

He added, "It's my solemn duty

To get some native island booty."

So he rowed in, lickety split,

To kill just for the fun of it.

He maimed and tortured, burned and slew,

Stole some 'backer for to chew.

He gifted all the noble reds

With burlap blankets for their beds;

And with intentions none too vague,

He gave them all Bubonic plague.

Now with his purpose all but done,

He floated in a gatling gun.

"Time for missionary work!"

He cried, and watched 'em twitch and jerk.

He cranked it till it ceased to fire,

Then sang a hymn and led the choir.

And as the smoke rose up he said,

"I'm glad those savages are dead.

We found no passage to the East,

But all these buggars are deceased."

And with a laugh, he sailed away.

That's why we have Columbus Day.