Thursday, December 16, 2010

I'm Thankful for All Those Dead Injuns

Angelina "The Stick Figure" Jolie and Johnny Depp bomb at the box office.

I'm sure sundry reasons exist for this turn of events, not the least of which are the nearness of Christmas, and the vibrant economy our Monied Mulatto Messiah has helped bestow upon us.

I wonder if this is one possible explanation?:

Jolie hates Thanksgiving and refuses to celebrate.

“Jolie hates this holiday and wants no part in rewriting history like so many other Americans,” the friend said. “To celebrate what the white settlers did to the native Indians, the domination of one culture over another, just isn’t her style. She definitely doesn’t want to teach her multi-cultural family how to celebrate a story of murder.”

I wouldn't classify that as the most circumspect public announcement one could make, just before a big film opening. Remember how brazen, vocal stupidity served the Dixie Chicks?

As for my family, we had a delightful time sitting at the dinner table and recounting the innumerable massacres of Indians throughout American history, including the torture of Squanto, followed by hearty belly laughs over the smallpox-ridden blankets "gifted" to Indian hunters by our malicious ancestors. After dessert, we sat and admired our extensive collection of buck, squaw and papoose scalps proudly displayed over the mantelpiece. We've taken good care of them ever since my great-great granddaddy, Lucifer Armstrong Sheridan, passed them down to us.

A grand time was had by all.

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