Gesundheit

A new U.S. Senate report documents hundreds of prominent scientists – experts in dozens of fields of study worldwide – who say global warming and cooling is a cycle of nature and cannot legitimately be connected to man's activities.

Uh-oh. Malfunction! Malfunction! Does not fit the accepted paradigm! My logic circuits are withering like a peace lily under a belching smokestack.

Sorry, but these can't be real scientists, can they? I mean, after all, only believers in Mother Gaia's outrage against the human infestation are gen-yoo-ine scientists. I'm sure these other poseurs received their "credentials" from diploma mills in Deliverance, Tennessee. Yep, they're like those wedding "chapels" in Vegas, where you pull into the drive-through and order a Deluxe Marital Combo, with a side-order or eternal bliss. Hold the prenup. Ph.D's While-U-Wait. Something like that.

After all, the Most Holy Lama of the Natural New World Order, St. Albert Gore Sanctus assures us that the internal combustion engine is the greatest threat to our Earth Mother in all of history. Apparently its emissions irritate her mucous membranes, and our much-deserved destruction will come soon--not by water or fire. . .

. . .but in a colossal sneeze.