Monday, September 18, 2006

Ozzie and Harriet

Brad Pitt: "I'll Marry When Everyone Can." Brad Pitt, ever the social activist, says he won't be marrying Angelina Jolie until the restrictions on who can marry whom are dropped.

Isn't he dreamy, gals? I totally understand why y'all love him so. What a guy! Just imagine: he's willing to forego marital bliss with Lara Croft, until Biff and Spike can tie the knot, as well.

"Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able," the 42-year-old actor reveals in Esquire magazine's October issue, on newsstands Sept. 19.

Nope, no marriage here. Just shacking up and having kids. With their first child Shiloh already here, it's only a matter of time until Antietam arrives.

As for "everyone else in the country," does that mean if one man wants to marry five women, Brad says go for it? How 'bout three women marrying three other women? Or Timmy tying the leash with Lassie? Or ten-year-olds trading candy sucker rings and writing vows in crayon on construction paper? Yasee, it's all good in Mr. Pitt's world, where fantasy blurs right into reality, and none can tell them apart.

I wonder why Lara Croft hasn't roundhouse-kicked his rattling skull from his shoulders, already? After all, I'm sure she's wondering just how head-over-heels he is for her, given his rather impossible set of prerequisites. Heck, why not throw in world peace, while you're at it? Or disarmament of planet Earth? "I will get married on that blissful day, when every heart is brimming with rainbows and sunshine, and every sword is beaten into a ploughshare."

A veritable fount of parental wisdom, he went on to say: "I try not to stifle them (his kids) in any way," he says. "If it's not hurting anyone, I want them to be able to explore. Sometimes that means they're quite rambunctious."

And with this attitude, I'm sure "rambunctious" will metamorphose into "pregnant" or "in a drug-addled stupor" in time.

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