**I wrote this post yesterday, before I learned about Bush's new SCOTUS nominee, so it's a little dated. Now I have to go and learn about her, so I can find out how much of this is prophetic, and how much is pure bilge. Enjoy!
With John Roberts' position as Chief Justice secured, when asked how he'd go about the process of selecting his new nominee for the Supreme Court, President George Bush waxed eloquent:
"Wal, I believe the only way to be correct--politically speaking--is to be politically correct. Ahm a firm believer in pc values. Jest look at my reaction to the Terri Schiavo case. That's really all ya need to know. And diversity plays a large part in political correctness. As we all know, this is a catch-word for every kind of superficial distinction imaginable. I think it's important, though, to understand that diversity does not--under any circumstances--mean variety in modes of thought, ideas, or perspectives. Many good folks get downright discomblobupated on this point.
"Now, having said all that, I think our next Supreme Court Justice should be a woman. But not jest any woman. Unh-uh. She needs to be a compassionate conservative, like me. Heh heh. She needs to feel the pain of tsunami victims and Hurricane Kakillya looters all across Nawleuhns. It's best if she's a black woman. Who spent at least five years on welfare. Whose son was killed in a driveby shooting. Who received at least one abortion. Who has at least two silver teeth that are visible when she smiles. Now that's diverse. Furthermore, I strongly believe she should have a little Messycin ancestralness. Preferably of illegal immigrant--Oops! Sorry, I meant undocumented--status. See there? Ya almost caught me being politically incorrect. I apologize. I reckon I've been watching too much Fox News, lately. They're awful nice to the House of Saud, ya know.
"Anyhoo, back to diversity. It would be prudent--like my ol' daddy used to say--if she were also a lesbian. Not jest any lesbian, neither. I want a big, old hulking brute, the likes of which would make Bull Connor's thugs piddle in their knickers. And she better have a tattoo, dadgummit. A big ol' tattoo of Karl Marx, etched across her bulging bicep. That'll do the trick. Oh, and she'd best be a practitioner of the Religion of Peace. Even communists love those guys. One more thing: I want a cripple in that office. I want her to have to crutch her way up the steps to work every day, like Tiny Tim in a Darth Vader robe. If she needs a wheelchair, we'll put in a ramp at taxpayer suspense. An eyepatch would also carry a lot of charm. Remember Long John Silver? That's what I'm talking 'bout.
As far as ideology goes, I want her to give great respect to Charmin bathroom tissue. That stuff jest don't chafe like the Constitution. I learned that from experience. And what a court said five years ago is far more important than what the Constitution says. Who cares about the outmoded views of some dead white slaver, anyway? YaknowwhatImean? I want her to be sensitive to euthanasia--that's a continent by the way--and accept the dictates of the UN and international law. I also want her to love Jesus, like I do. Don't worry, there ain't no conflict between Him and Allah. He's a big believer in diversity, too. Christianity's important, y'all. Jest as long as you keep it locked up tighter'n a nun's habit, in a little box in the back of a deep closet, at home. But on the bench, she needs to be a stern advocate of godlessness. I mean I expect the kind of secularism that would make Lenin click his heels and sing the Revolution's anthem out of pure joy.
"One last prerekasnit: Her pronuncilation of the word must be "nook-yuh-luhr." I won't except no stubstistustions. Ain't nobuddy one-upping my elocrouton."
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