Friday, April 30, 2010

Kiss My Butt

My mother told me a story last week about how one of her friends found a letter in her mailbox from the local police department. This friendly missive said that a "concerned citizen" had notified the police -- presumably by writing down her license plate number -- that she had engaged in one of the most unspeakable acts of modern times: littering. This atrocity manifest itself as a dropped cigarette butt. The letter assured her that this was her sole warning; a second offense carries the pricetag of a $1,500 fine. The friendly neighborhood extortionist also said that if a cop sees you litter and pulls you over, there's no warning on offer, just a fat fine.

There's so much that I can say, here; but let's start with the acknowledgment that a $1,500 penalty is a disproportionate response. It's the brand of idiocy I expect from environmental maniacs like Algore, who believe that Mother Earth awaits her vengeance, and the only good humans are those with several feet of earth and turf over them.

And government drones squint their eyes in confusion and wonder why the public believes they care more about cash than justice. Gee, I wonder. I'm sorry, but you don't get the privilege of abusing your position of power for the crass acquisition of greenbacks and also receive respect from the citizenry. That's not how the world works, except perhaps in Obamatopia.

I wish she knew the "concerned" informant / busybody's name and address. If I were her, I'd bide my time and save up a year's worth of cigarette butts. I'd even ask my friends and family for contributions to the carcinoma fund. I'd save bags and bags of the stuff, then take them to the "concerned" stool pigeon's house and cram them up her / his / its car tailpipe, dust its flowerbeds with these little filtered gems, and dump a heaping pile on the "concerned" fink's front porch. Speaking of putting stinky butts in their place.

I think one could make a case that $1,500 for an inch - long cigarette butt is cruel and unusual punishment; it's the same level of cruelty and contempt Hollywood exhibits when elevating Bennifer Afflack to a leading - man role.

I shudder to think of the retribution dreamed up for those who commit further butt droppage. I see it now: a woman led to a wooden pole, a look of mystified horror distorting her features. There, the Smokestaffel lackey offers her a cigarette, but he warns that she'd better make use of the ashtray to her left. "We can't kill you twice for the same crime," he says, "but we darned sure can kneecap you, before the final curtain falls." Ouch. He blindfolds her, and the last things she sees before going down into darkness are the ubiquitous signs pasted on every visible wall that request in bold, black letters:

Please Put Litter In Its Place

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