Monday, September 28, 2009

Give the Devil His Due

This is my entry to The Friday Challenge, 9/25/09 edition. I had fun with this:

Dear Sainted Cephas:

I know that manning the Pearly Gates is both full - time and taxing work, so I'll keep this epistle short and not take up a lot of your eternity with idle chatter. I'm writing in reference to one Edward "Ted" Kennedy, as I cannot understand how he became an inmate of my rather storied asylum. I'd like you to pass this message on to our Holy Lord, in hopes that He will attend the clerical error that sloshed Ted out of hot water and plopped him down into the fire, as it were. Surely this illustrious man deserves a thousand acres with plenty of frontage on a street paved with gold; to wit:

Ted loved women; no American politician loved women more, with the possible exception of one William Jefferson Clinton; however the latter no doubt is the subject of a future letter and not the present one, so we'll end with him on that tantalizing note. Setting aside the late Chappaquiddick unpleasantness -- in which Ted did everything short of risking his life and status for Mary Jo Kopechne's safety -- Ted has proven a sterling example to hormonal exuberance everywhere. Speaking of women, Ted was a firm believer in a woman's right to choose. This is a profound point in his favor, for if women have no right to choose, then what choice do they have, besides back alleys and rusty coat hangers? Jehoshaphat, how such barbarism offends my delicate sensibilities!

Given that two heads are better than one, Ted's Janus - faced brand of politics brought new meaning to cutting edge political opportunism, which in turn stoked such innovations as pandering, demagoguery, and bipartisanship. I contend that this polysyllabic praise should not go unnoticed. Nor should Ted go unrewarded -- for how many mere men could balance a giggling girl on one knee, and a good stiff Chivas Regal on the other -- without spilling either one? Ted Kennedy and none other, that's how many. I know Heaven already has a Lion of Judah, but how about the Lion of the Senate? Collect them all. Our Father's house has many mansions; and I'm certain that at least one needs a Fifth Column; in matters temporal and spiritual, that's where Ted Kennedy comes in. Please give my tiny request all due consideration. Thank you for your attention. Give my best to Michael.

Your Humble Servant,

Prince Lucifer S. Brimstone

P.S. The air conditioner's on the fritz, and we're having a devil of a time with the heat! Send someone from maintenance A.S.A.P.! Thanks.


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