Friday, February 20, 2009


My brother served a recent stint in the hoosegow as a reward for Exceptional Citizenship. A lump of pride fills my throat and wells my eyes as I type these words.

Anyway, he regaled me with an interesting story about an event that he witnessed On The Inside.

The guards brought in a man who was drunk and put him in a holding cell, alone. He began raising Cain, cursing and yelling at the guards. He also mooned them, when he thought someone might see and appreciate his better side.

Before I continue, let me assure everyone that no, the sot-in-question was not Teddy Kennedy.

Moving right along, a guard hollered at the man and told him that if he didn't shut up, he was going to come into the cell, and that the pickled offender wouldn't like that.

The man didn't take the hint, and continued his ruckus. So this representative of our city's finest opened the cell door, walked inside, and let him have it with a taser. He then gave him two pulses of electricity. The man stumbled back and sat down hard. Then the guard called in his cronies--for you see, it takes a whole gaggle of cops to subdue a man who is sitting on the floor and nursing the aftereffects of the Intemperance Movement and some therapeutic shock therapy.

The peace officers then removed him from the cell and dragged him none too gently into a different room, in which sat The Chair. The Chair stood bolted to the floor, waiting patiently.

Those who protect and serve put him in The Chair and immobilized all four of his limbs, as well as his torso. When he was good and comfortable, they then strapped a helmet to his head, with a stylish visor that nullified the occupant's eyesight. Sensory deprivation, kiddies. Don't try this at home.

Mr. Sloshed spent three-and-a-half to four hours in The Chair.

I understand that Jack Daniels brought it on himself. I also understand that the above goes beyond my definition of proper punishment--right into simple abuse. Think about it: the man made no attempt to harm himself or anyone else. He simply acted like a jackass by being rude and loud. Is his punishment fair compensation for such behavior?

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