"Honest Injun, We're Sorry."

RICHMOND, Va. (Feb. 25) - Meeting on the grounds of the former Confederate Capitol, the Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously Saturday to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery.

Hm, I wonder how that worked. Something like this, perhaps?:


"Resolution:

Whereas slavery is a unique and malignant expression of the white race;

Whereas the black race never participated in the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, nor enslaved members of its own group;

Whereas many in the Antebellum South had never laid eyes on a black person;

Whereas slavery generally was an indulgence of the rich, and the majority of Virginians did not and do not qualify as such;

Whereas no living American blacks languish in a state of enslavement within these borders, nor do their masters still draw breath;

Whereas involuntary servitude ceased as an institution one hundred forty-two years ago;

We solemnly do resolve that an official apology of great profundity is warranted by the Commonwealth of Virginia. We hearby offer such at our collective shame and regret for oppressing those blessed with enhanced skin pigmentation and hoop skillz.

In the year of a non-existent, mythological deity, 2007"


The measure also expressed regret for "the exploitation of Native Americans."

Are they referencing those tree-hugging, earth-worshipping, goddess-communing, environmentally-conscious, recycling individuals who practiced slavery of all races and creeds, with no discrimination whatsoever? Who went on the warpath and murdered innocent women and children? Who tortured and mutilated helpless prisoners? Who sometimes practiced ritual cannibalism? Who violated non-aggression treaties? Nah. Dances with Wolves set us straight on that malarkey.

Among those voting for the measure was Delegate Frank D. Hargrove, an 80-year-old Republican who infuriated black leaders last month by saying "black citizens should get over" slavery.

After enduring a barrage of criticism, Hargrove successfully co-sponsored a resolution calling on Virginia to celebrate "Juneteenth," a holiday commemorating the end of slavery in the United States.

I'm sure there was nothing self-serving in this sacrificial act of contrition. Nosirree.