A Muslim Prayer

Oh, most Mighty Allah, leader of the faithful and ruler of the righteous, please send our valiant offspring against those who look not upon a beast of burden with fondness. May you shrivel their manhoods, of Lord, and kill them in their tennis courts and malls and Burger Kings and movie theaters and bath houses and strip clubs and roller rinks. May you annihilate all apostates and wreak havoc upon the Zionist entity and its oppressive minions. May you gouge out their eyeballs with a rusty spoon, oh Merciful One. May you run a drill bit through their ears and clear out the influence of Shaitan. May their female infants tumble from the womb in burkhas, and may future generations stand barren in the fields against us. May Dar-al-Islam first conquer planet Earth, then the neighboring infidel planets, and spread out with thy message to the infinite stars. May the evils of alien technology falter in the face of the mujahedin. May our youth find martyrdom in Sirius and Alpha Centauri, Wolf 359 and Andromeda. May the indigenous sea monkeys of Shazbot fall upon their fins and proclaim that there is no god but Allah, and Muhammed is his Prophet. May the sloe-eyed houris forever remain perpetual virgins in thy Garden, oh Master of Chastity. May the Black Stone crush all opposition to thy Will. May the Kaaba become a grave stone for the rebellious, oh Giver of Life. May thy vaunted djinn urinate upon the heads of the subhuman monkeys and pigs called Jews, oh Sender of Rain. Lo, even as our harems overflow with willing wives, oh Shaper of Monogamy, make our cup of vengeance brim against thine enemies. May the Great Shaitan and her putrid puppets writhe on skewers in Gehenna until the heavens and Earth pass away. Make the stench of their burning rise up until the end of Time, oh Fanner of Flames, oh Extender of Forgiveness, oh Preparer of Kebabs. In the name of the everlasting peace brought about by eternal Jihad, Amen.