Hatin' on Whitey

The most likely victim of a hate crime in the U.S. is a poor, young, white, single urban dweller, according to an analysis of Justice Department statistics collected from between July 2000 and December 2003.

While race is, by far, the No. 1 factor cited as the reason for hate crimes, blacks are slightly less likely to be victims and far more likely to be perpetrators, the statistics show.

While nine in 10,000 whites and nine in 10,000 Hispanics are victimized by hate crimes, only seven in 10,000 blacks are targets, according to the report.

The report says 38 percent of all those reporting hate crimes said the attacker was black, and in 90 percent of those cases, the victim believed the offender's motive was racial. In incidents involving white attackers, only 30 percent attribute the hate crime to race, while 20 percent attributed it to ethnicity.

The report by the Justice Department is the one most often cited by hate-crime experts as depicting the true national story. It shows the number of incidents is more than 15 times higher than FBI statistics alone reflect.

Ain't this a kick in the teeth for the politically correct thought-control movement? Now let me just get it out of the way up front that I think "Hate" crimes legislation is moronic. If I kill you for your Nikes, is it really significant that I hated your guts, as well? Not from where I'm standing in my $30 tennis shoes. "Since LeRoy hated Bubba when he shot him with his Nine, let's tack an additional year on his five-year sentence." After all, killing me softly isn't so bad.

And how does one determine if hate is involved? By asking the perpetrator? "Sho-nuff, officer, I hated Bubba sumthin' fierce." By having a rap session with the victim on the slab? Apparently, some First-Degree murders are worse than others. The vehemence with which you pull the trigger or swing the ballbat says it all.

I find these statistics questionable. How can it be that whitey falls victim to "hate" crimes most? I was under the impression that the White Devil has venom coursing through his bloodstream, exploding in his synapses, and simmering in his very marrow. I thought he plops out of the womb kickin' and a-cussin' at the simple prospect of living. I thought hate comes as natural to caucasians as spontaneous combustion does to Muslims. Weren't we taught that the dreaded White Man raped Mother Earth, enslaved the perpetually virtuous Africans, mowed down the peace-worshiping Aztecs, and engaged in the genocide of the American Indians? Oops, I meant Noble Savages, or, er, Native Americans. (I need to brush up on my PC terms).

Waitaminute. I think I have the answer: The Natives and the Africans and the Aztecs are paying Whitey back, with interest. That's what this is about. Now I understand.