Thought Crimes

Hate-crimes revisited & updated for the new era of hate-filled bigotry! Yee-haw!

The legislation, reintroduced by two Democrats and two Republicans in Congress, would expand federal jurisdiction to cover violent hate crimes committed "because of the actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender or disability" of the victim.

C'mon, guys. At least be honest with the sheeple. Call this what it is: thought-crimes legislation.

Let me bring a little clarity to this otherwise confusing situation: If I murder you because you're brown, dark-skinned, Muslim, from Libya, homosexual, male, and stumping around on crutches after losing your leg in a homicide bomber attack, I'm one heck of an evil feller. Throw me in the lion's den or a pond filled with piranhas; lock me in a dank & pitch-black dungeon with spiders the size of German Shepherds, where rat-gnawed human bones decorate the corners; give me a mindwipe with a red-hot poker in my ear.

But if I murder you for any reason not listed above. . .well, now, that ain't quite so bad. They'll just give me a few years in prison, three squares a day, Wheel-of-Fortune and Jeopardy!, jailbird jazzercize, free-weights, workout benches and uniformed spotters, Psychopaths Anonymous meetings, and Martha Stewart macrame techniques. If I'm reeeely on my best behavior, I might be out in no time at all, straight through the revolving door, locked and loaded, and coming to a neighborhood near you!

Ain't that just precious?